


Not an Amateur

by BelaLugosi



Series: Sexy(UnSexy?) Saturdays [1]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Awkward, Drabbles, M/M, Unsexy, mentions of omaha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:00:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24607351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BelaLugosi/pseuds/BelaLugosi
Summary: Awk-ward.Baz gets distracted easily.  But he is not an amateur.  Penny may disagree.
Relationships: Penelope Bunce/Shepard, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Sexy(UnSexy?) Saturdays [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1778902
Comments: 6
Kudos: 49





	Not an Amateur

_“Oh,_ **_oh_ ** _… oh fuck.”_

_“Mmmhm. Yeah. Yes.”_

_“Are you ready?”_

_“Crowley, yes. Do it. Do it.”_

Penelope rolled her eyes and turned the volume on her mobile up, sending the sounds of her favorite lo-fi playlist ricocheting around the room in a decidedly-not lo-fi manner. 

Muffled shifting could be heard from Simon’s bedroom on the other side of their paper thin walls. Penelope wished they hadn’t done away with cable television. 

… or that she hadn’t loaned Shepard her earbuds so he could listen to music at work that day.

Nothing for it now. As long as it was over soon, it would be fine. She’d faced all manner of dark creatures by Simon’s side - she’d squared off against the Mage with him! - she could easily make it through her best friend’s awkward sex noises.

He was finally happy. He deserved this (even if she didn’t). (She’d done nothing evil enough to deserve this. Unless one counted the journal of illegal spells under her bed. She didn’t.)

The sounds of the shifting and arranging of bodies faded into the sound of grunting. There was exertion. Pennelope grimaced and turned a page in the book she had perched on her lap.

_“Ah, ah! Shit, Baz. Can you just…?”_

_“Mm. Like…?”_

_There was a pause._

_“No! No. Shit. Could you…”_

_“Hold on, Simon! I’ve got it, now.”_

_“Fuck yes, you do. Snakes. Come. Here. I can’t kiss you like…”_

More moaning - it was beginning to sound like a badly funded porno in their flat. 

A silencing spell on this side of the door was at least worth a try, right? Penny thought, twisting her ring. Her face was warming uncomfortably. If she didn’t do something, she was never going to be able to face those two again.

They were getting louder, too. Building to a crescendo. 

Penelope was considering moving to the library when she heard Simon speak, sounding near a panic. 

_“Baz, babe, wait. The spells!”_

_“What?”_ was Baz’s reply. Not so eloquent, under the circumstances. 

_“The_ **_silencing_ ** _spells. What if Penny hears while we…?”_

Thank magic, Penny thought. She was going to get Simon some scones, for being so considerate. Not that he could ever know why. (Not that he would ever think to question scones too critically.)

_“I already cast those, Simon.”_

He sounded like he had his mouth full of cotton. Or fangs, Penny supposed. And then she decided to stop thinking about what was muffling his voice at all.

Baz’s response left her crestfallen. She resigned herself to her fate and stood to grab her rucksack from her room. She’d just dip back out to the library for a while, maybe stop at a pub and try to forget any of this ever happened. 

_“Yeah?”_ Simon said, sounding relieved. 

_“I’m not an amateur, love.”_

Penny was standing right at the wall that separated her room from Simon’s, and she couldn’t help it, she let out a loud,eerily well-timed scoff followed by an exclamation of “Right!”

The creaking and moaning that had barely started back up as the boys had spoken stopped again, abruptly, and Penny realized what she’d done.

Merlin and Methuselah! 

She looked around her room desperately for her bag (and the bra she shucked when she’d come home earlier). She’d almost decided to sod socially acceptable undergarments and just go when she heard the boys scramble and head for the bedroom door. 

Bollocks.

She gathered herself and walked back out into the hallway, just as a flushed Basil poked his head out the door of Simon’s. 

“Bunce,” he said, cordially. It was laughable.

“Basil,” she replied, her voice didn’t betray what her cheeks surely did. 

Simon pushed out around his boyfriend, in his joggers. “Baz did you…?”

Penelope lifted her chin slightly. “He did not.” 

Simon blushed even more deeply. “You forgot?” 

She swore that Basil blushed as well. Maybe a slightly warmer grey. He lifted his brow at Penelope. “Bunce,” he dismissed her in the same manner he had greeted her, and shoved Simon back into the room.

_“Got distracted, didn’t I, Snow?”_

She could hear Simon giggling before Baz’s confident voice and perfect elocution. 

_“_ **_Silence is a true friend who never betrays_ ** _.”_

Penny took her book back to the couch and resumed her study music. She held her breath for a moment, listening. 

Blissful silence. Finally. Thank _magic_. 

The front door banged open. “Penny! Hey! I think I may have broken your earbuds. Well, just the right one. I think.” He threw his bag down and shuffled into the kitchen. “I’m sorry. Where’s Simon? You want to grab dinner? Penny? You ….okay?” He walked back into the sitting room with a banana half way to his mouth. 

Penelope had her face shoved into a pillow. It was time to start looking for her own flat. Simon could move in with Baz. Shepard could move back to Omaha (on second thought, she was rather fond of him. He’d best stay in London.)

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. Come yell at me about it on Tumblr if you want.  
> https://belalugosiisdead.tumblr.com/


End file.
